Be transformed by renewing your thoughts

Be transformed by renewing your thoughts

Transformed by Renewing: Harnessing the Power of Our Thoughts

Romans 12:2 says, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

This verse emphasizes the significance and power of our thoughts in the process of transformation. As we allow God to renew our minds, our perspectives shift, aligning with His will, and we experience profound change from the inside out.

Our thoughts play a central role in shaping our beliefs, attitudes, and actions. They can either lead us closer to God or pull us away from His purposes.

Lessons for our lives today:

  1. Mindful of Our Thoughts: Be mindful of the thoughts you entertain, and strive to align them with God’s truth.
  2. Guard Your Heart: Protect your heart from negative influences that can taint your thoughts and beliefs.
  3. Seek God’s Perspective: Seek God’s wisdom and perspective through prayer and studying His Word regularly.
  4. Surrender to God’s Transformation: Embrace God’s transforming power as you surrender your mind to Him.
  5. Renew Your Mind Daily: Make time for daily meditation on Scripture to continually renew your mind.
  6. Focus on Positive Things: Focus on what is true, pure, and praiseworthy, cultivating a positive thought life.
  7. Replace Negative Thoughts: When negative thoughts arise, replace them with God’s promises and truth.
  8. Obedience to Christ: Submit every thought to the authority of Christ and His teachings.
  9. Surround Yourself with Godly Influences: Surround yourself with like-minded believers who encourage positive thinking.
  10. Pursue a Christ-Centered Mindset: Develop a mindset that reflects Christ’s character and seeks to honor and glorify Him in all things.

Ten Bible texts that underscore the importance of our thoughts:

  1. Philippians 4:8: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
  2. Proverbs 23:7: “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.”
  3. Isaiah 26:3: “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you because he trusts in you.”
  4. 2 Corinthians 10:5: “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
  5. Philippians 2:5: “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus.”
  6. Colossians 3:2: “Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.”
  7. Psalm 94:19: “When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.”
  8. Proverbs 4:23: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
  9. Matthew 15:18-19: “But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.”
  10. Ephesians 4:22-23: “Put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and be renewed in the spirit of your minds.”

Conclusion:

Our thoughts are powerful influencers of our beliefs and actions. As we yield our minds to the transforming power of God through His Word and the Holy Spirit, we experience a profound and positive change. Let us be intentional in guarding our thoughts, focusing on God’s truth, and seeking a Christ-centered mindset. In doing so, we will be transformed from within and be better equipped to discern God’s will for our lives, reflecting His love and glory to the world around us.

Five ways to comfort someone who is grieving

Five ways to comfort someone who is grieving

When someone has suffered a tragic loss, it can be hard to know what to do to help.

If someone close to you is grieving, God has put you beside that person for a
special purpose – to walk alongside them while they grieve.

Grief can come from all types of loss – some, more severe than others, for example:

  • Death of a loved one
  • Divorce
  • Job loss
  • Fertility issues – inability to have a baby
  • A loved one having a serious addiction, such as drugs and alcohol
  • Death of a treasured family pet
  • Severe or long-term illness, such a Cancer

I learned a lot about grief when my son was born with special needs.

It was such a shock; something we had never contemplated happening. 

The doctor who told us the news handled it very badly, making it much worse than it needed to be.

The hardest thing for us was that many people didn’t understand why we were grieving.  The effectively ‘rejected’ our grieving.  It’s as if the situation wasn’t bad enough to warrant grieving over. 

There is a name for this.  It is called ‘Disenfranchised Grief and Loss’.

Every parent hopes for a perfectly healthy child.  Most parents don’t expect something to be wrong with their child.

When a child is born with special needs, the parents suffer the loss of the perfect child they had hoped for.

The future is now full of the unknown. 

What does the child’s future hold?

What if they have medical complications?

What if they die?  

Will they be able to study and get a job? 

Will they be able to live independently when they grow up?

Will they be teased and rejected by their peers?  The questions go on and on.

 

Here are 5 ways to help someone who is grieving:

1. Don’t judge their response to the situation.  Accept it.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Everyone is different.  Everyone will react differently.  Everyone comes from a different background and with different life experiences. 

Some people may have learned how to process difficult emotions as they grew up, but others may never have learned this, so they just spiral out of control.

Never judge a grieving person.

Completely accept however they are responding to their grief.  It is normal for them.

Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

 

2. Do reach out to them even if they don’t respond to you

Even if you are afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing, still reach out to them.

They need to know you are there and that you care about what they are going through.

Let them know that you are there just to listen anytime.

Even if they don’t return your call or thank you for a card or a meal, know that they appreciate it anyway.

I remember when I was in a Mother-Baby unit in hospital with Post-natal depression when my son was 10 weeks old.  Quite a few people rang or sent cards, but I was so unwell that I wasn’t able to respond to most of them.

Some people got very offended that I didn’t get back to them.  When I got out of hospital, they made it clear how much I had ‘hurt their feelings’ by not getting back to them.

When you are the one suffering a loss, it’s about your feelings, not theirs.

But they didn’t understand that it’s not that I was rude or ungrateful, I was simply unable to respond.  But hearing from them, getting a message that they had called, getting some flowers or a card – it all helped tremendously.  It was so encouraging to know that they cared.

When you are grieving, it saps you of every bit of strength you have.  You have no energy left to make other people feel appreciated.

Whether you hear back from the grieving person or not, keep gently reaching out to show that you are there if they need you.

Offer to do something practical such as baby sit their kids or clean their house so they can have some time to themselves.

Just be there.  If you get the impression that they don’t want you there in person, still show up in other ways, such as with cards, emails and flowers.

Be there for them for the long haul.  Don’t just be supportive until the funeral is over and then leave the grieving person alone.  Their grief doesn’t just stop now that the funeral is over.

They are just taking their first few fledgling steps through the grief process and towards healing.  They need to know you are there for them for as long as it takes.

3. Don’t try and cheer them up

When someone is grieving, you desperately wish you could help them feel better, but trying to ‘cheer them up’ or tell them to ‘snap out of it’ are completely unhelpful.

It will probably result in them withdrawing from you as the things you are saying are actually hurting more than they are helping.  This leaves the person grieving with less support just when they need it the most.

Our son’s disability is mainly physical.  It was so painful when he was born and people all around us said ‘what are you worried about? At least his brain is all right’.

This was not helpful!

My husband and I had both had a terrible time with being teased in school and we were sincerely concerned, knowing that our son’s physical disability meant he was obviously very different to his peers and he might get teased.  And yes, we were allowed to feel sad about this! 

4. Don’t give them platitudes

Platitudes are ‘meaningless sayings’.

When someone’s child has passed away, for example, don’t say:

  • Oh Jesus needed him in heaven more than you needed him here; or
  • It’s all part of God’s plan

The person doesn’t want the person to be in Heaven right now, they want them here with them.

While the promise of Heaven can bring some comfort in time, it does little to reduce grief when it is very raw. 

5. Don’t try to hurry up in the grieving process

There is no right or wrong length of time for someone to grieve.  This will vary considerably from person to person.

Of course, if it’s 12 months down the track and the person still cries all day every day and has not been able to begin getting on with their life, perhaps they need some extra support to move forward.

But generally, people will move through the grieving process at their own pace and it is not your job to judge that pace or try to hurry them along. 

Conclusion

Everyone grieves differently and for different lengths of time.  The main thing is to let them know that you are there to support them in any way that helps.  If you don’t hear back from them, don’t be offended, just pull back a little and continue to support them with cards, flowers, a meal etc.  Even if the person grieving doesn’t have the strength to respond to you reaching out to them, it will mean the world to them that you did.

 

10 Proven ways to help lift depression

10 Proven ways to help lift depression

I know what it’s like to be in the deepest recesses of depression and feel like you will never recover.

Curled up in the foetal position under the bed covers, willing the world to go away.

Feeling like your life is over and you will never be the same again.

The good news is that most people do recover or at least learn how to manage their condition and go on to live a fulfilling life.

Here are 10 ways to start your journey back to health and wellness.

1. Get dressed

Try to get up and get dressed every day (or at least most days).  You immediately feel a slight improvement just because you’ve had a shower, got dressed and brushed your hair.

2. Stay off sugar

Sugar directly affects your mood. You might get a slight high from eating it initially, but within a couple of hours, you will sink down deeper into depression and anxiety. If you feel like a snack, or you like to comfort-eat, try to choose a snack or meal that is low in sugar.

3. Do some light exercise

Even a 5 minute walk can lift your mood slightly.  Try to increase it by a few minutes each day. Just something low key, like a walk or just 5 minutes of light movement in a hydro therapy pool.

4. Set one or two very small goals for each day

When you are depressed, everything feels overwhelming. You have to break everything down into tiny bite size pieces – like having a shower, getting dressed or going for a 5 minute walk. Just aim for 1 or 2 small goals each day.

5. Soak up the sunshine

If it’s a sunny day, go outside and sit down and bask in the warm rays of the sun for 10 – 15 minutes. The warmth of the sun is very healing.

6. Reach out to a friend or family member you trust

It can be so hard to admit how you are feeling to someone else, but if you are careful about who you talk to, you will find it a tremendous relief to talk honestly about you are feeling. They might even surprise you and tell you they have been there too.

7. Consult a health professional

When you are depressed, it is important to talk to your doctor and/or Psychologist.  They can give you strategies to use to help you and they can also see if you need any medication (short term or long term).

8. Every day, write down 5 things to be thankful for

Remember the little things you still have in your life. This might be as basic as fresh air and water, a comfy bed, a fridge full of food etc. It can start to turn your mindset around from always focusing on what’s wrong in your life and instead, start to focus on what’s good in your life, no matter how small. The more you look for the good, the more you will see it.

9. Listen to music

It’s amazing how music changes how we feel. Music is a very powerful tool. It can immediately lift your mood. It can also help to make you feel calm and relaxed.

10. Take your medication

Not everyone needs medication or they may only need it for a short time. If you do need medication, be patient with the process. It can take a while to get just the right one for you. The good thing about medication is that it can help stabilise your mood, so that you can start to think clearly about things. Once you are thinking clearly, it’s easier to take small steps to move forward with your life. It’s very important not to go off your medication without medical supervision.

You can be free from depression. Have hope that this will not last forever.
Remember that you are not alone. Reach out for help.
A whole new life is awaiting you on the other side. 

 

5 tips to staying sane when you love an alcoholic

5 tips to staying sane when you love an alcoholic

 

For those of us who love an alcoholic, life can feel so out of control; so chaotic, that we wonder how we will ever make it through with our sanity intact. 

After loving an alcoholic for over 30 years, I can tell you that you can absolutely do this!  You can not only survive, but even find peace right in the middle of the chaos

Here is 5 tips to help you. 

If you would like to listen to the related podcast, there is a link at the end of this post.

1. Find a trusted friend or support group where you can talk openly
about how you feel

Often this is the hardest step, because we feel very loyal to our alcoholic loved one and we know that they would feel that we had betrayed them by telling someone else that ‘they have a problem’.

They may have even forbidden us from telling anyone and you know they may grow angry if they know you have talked to someone else.

But for your own sanity, you need to reach out to someone you trust.

The old saying ‘a burden shared is a burden halved’ is really true.

Having a loved one who drinks too much is a very lonely existence, if you have no-one to talk to.

I remember being in this exact position.

After 10 years of being an alcoholic, my husband finally took some action and booked himself into a rehab clinic, but he made me swear not to tell anyone.

We made up what we thought was a plausible story – that the kidney problems he’d had as a teenager has returned and he had gone interstate to see a specialist.  We knew if we told our friends that he was in a local hospital, they would come and visit and then they would know the truth.

Our ‘secret’ would be out.

But after two weeks, my kind, supportive friends from church decided they would pay for me to fly interstate to be with him.  I knew I couldn’t take their money for a lie!!!

I panicked and told them that he was doing much better and would be home in a few days.

I hated lying to these kind, wonderful people, but I felt I had no choice.  I didn’t want to betray my husband by telling our friends the truth.

But it was so lonely keeping his secret.

After rehab, he stayed sober for about 2 months, then went back to drinking again.

You don’t need to suffer alone.  For your own sanity, you need to reach out for support.  It may be a group like Al-Anon or another kind of group, or it may just be a trusted friend.

It’s up to you whether you tell your alcoholic loved one that you have reached out for support.  You certainly don’t have to.  But if you do, even if they get angry, let them own their own response to the situation.

It’s time for you to take care of your own needblos – and you need support.

 

There is a link at the end of this blog post to listen to the podcast.

2. Stop trying to control them

Most of us who love an alcoholic spend most of our lives trying to control them:

  • Controlling their alcohol use
  • Controlling their money
  • Controlling their whereabouts
  • Controlling if they get to work on time (or if they went to work at all!)

After years and years of trying this, you finally come to realise that it simply doesn’t work.

All it does is alienate them and push them away.  It may even lead to them drinking even more.

They will always find a way to drink. 

Instead, invest your time and energy into looking after yourself.

 

3. Increase your Self-care

One day, when you have a few minutes of quiet time, make a list of the things that you enjoy; things that nurture you and recharge your batteries.

  • What do you enjoy?
  • Do you have any hobbies or sports or social groups?
  • What makes you feel refreshed and recharged?
  • What helps you to feel calm?
  • What helps you to feel stronger?
  • When do you feel most rested?

Only when you are taking really good care of yourself, will you be in the right space, emotionally, physically and spiritually, to deal with your alcoholic loved one.

If possible, try and do something to nurture yourself for 15 to 30 minutes per day.

Here are some examples:

  • Putting on your favorite music (have a play list ready to go)
  • Having a swim or spa
  • Talking to a trusted friend
  • Going to see a Counsellor or Psychologist
  • Having a mani/pedi
  • Spending time in nature (beach, forest etc)
  • Spending time with animals
  • Having a 10 or 20 minute power nap
  • Read a good book
  • Doing some meditation or yoga
  • Painting, pottery, photography, scrap booking, gardening, cooking
  • Just sitting in the sun and closing your eyes
  • Doing some deep breathing
  • Attending a support group such as Al-Anon
  • Watching a favorite TV program
  • Organising part of your house
  • Writing in a journal
  • Reading a book or listening to an audio book. One book I really enjoyed listening to on Audible was called “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie
  • Having a cup of your favorite herbal tea and drinking it in a quiet space
  • Going to a garden center and buying a plant
  • Reading a spiritual book, such as The Bible or other spiritual text
  • Writing a list of things you are grateful for
  • Getting to bed early or maybe waking up before the kids to fit in a little ‘me time’

It can be hard making time for self-care when you are dealing with the fallout from loving an alcoholic and particularly if you have young children at the same time.  It’s a lot.

Life is just crazy-busy.  How can you possibly find time for yourself?

We all get the same 24 hours a day.  Look carefully.  There will be some space that you can fit in some time for yourself. 

Do you really need to be on the ‘parent committee’ at school and volunteering for the food drive at church?  Do your kids really need to be doing three out of school hours activities each week?

Look hard.  You will find some time somewhere.

If you have small children that need to have a baby sitter and you don’t have the money to pay for one, try and make an arrangement with another mum you know and trust to take turns minding each other’s children.  You will both benefit from some much needed ‘time out’.

You will be a far better mum, partner, sister or friend by making self-care one of your highest priorities.

4. Learn to say ‘NO’

Most of us who are in a relationship with an alcoholic are people-pleases.  This means we naturally hate to say ‘no’ to people.

There are many reasons for this:

  • we genuinely care about people and want to help them
  • we don’t want others to think badly of us
  • we are afraid of other people’s anger or disappointment if we say ‘no’
  • we don’t want to be rejected
  • we don’t want to be unkind or rude when someone else has a need
  • we think it is ‘un-Christian’ or selfish to say ‘no’
  • we care what others think of us more than what we think of ourselves
  • it boosts our self-esteem when we are viewed as ‘dependable’
  • we want people to like us (again trying to boost our self-esteem)

Saying ‘no’ is closely linked to our ‘self-care’.

When you love an alcoholic, life is very chaotic and it can take considerable time and energy dealing with the fallout of our loved ones latest drinking episode.

This is made all the worse when we have kept our loved one’s drinking a secret.  To the outside world, it may even look like we have the perfect marriage or family. 

When you look at the situation honestly, you know that you can’t cope with any more on your plate, but when others don’t know the chaos and pain that we have to face on a daily basis.  They may be less ‘understanding’ about why we simply don’t have to strength to do one more thing. 

The bottom line is, it simply doesn’t matter of what other people think of us.  Only we know what we can cope with and it is better to say a polite ‘no’ than to get ourselves in a position where we can’t cope; have too much on our plate and crash with exhaustion and depression.

Just a polite, yet firm ‘no, I’m sorry I won’t be able to do that’ is enough.  If they are your true friends or colleagues, they will respect your ‘no’. 

Regardless of their response, you will have the relief of knowing that you are putting your needs and the needs of your family first.

5. Try trusting in God

I don’t know whether you believe in a God – a Creator – a supreme being – that is in control of the world. 

Even if you are not sure if God exists or if you believe He does exist, but that He wouldn’t be interested in you personally – I really recommend just giving trust in God a try.

I find that when I truly decide to trust in God and give Him all my worries and all my fears, it brings incredible peace.  The Bible calls it “peace beyond our understanding”, meaning that you can be at peace, even in the middle of the chaos and drama of loving an alcoholic.  You can read about one of my personal stories on this topic here.

If you don’t feel comfortable trying to read the Bible, just start with the Bible verses below.  Slowly read each one, think about what it says, try to think of each one as being personally for you.

God’s kindness to each one of us is amazing.  He wants us to take all our insecurities, worries and fears. Imagine yourself putting them in a big brown sack, giving it to God and walking away feeling light and free, leaving everything in God’s hands.  It’s such a relief!  Try it!

God loves you completely, just as you are. 

Psalm 32:10 The Lord’s unfailing love surrounds the one who trusts in Him.

Psalm 62:8 Trust in God at all times, pour out your hearts to Him, for He is our safe place.”

Psalm 112:7 There is no need to be afraid of bad news.  When you put your trust in the Lord, your heart will be steady and calm, not anxious and afraid.

Proverbs 3:5,6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart.  Don’t rely on your own understanding.  Give your heart fully to Him and He will show you what to do.

1 Peter 5:7 Give all your anxiety and worry to God because He cares for you.

Isaiah 26:3 When I put my trust in God, He will keep me in perfect peace.

I hope that this information has been helpful to you.  I always believe that even if just one thing makes your life a little better, it’s been worth the read.

Take care, Darlene

 

What is ‘Detachment with love’?

What is ‘Detachment with love’?

One of the most important lessons I ever learned from Al-Anon, is a concept called ‘Detachment with Love’.  (Al-Anon is a support group for people with family or friends who are alcoholics). 

At its heart, ‘detachment with love’ means allowing someone to learn from their own mistakes – to experience the natural consequences of their own choices and behavior. 

The trouble is, that many of us who love an alcoholic, are in a co-dependent relationship with them – that means that our identify, our happiness and our general emotions are entwined with the other person.  It’s hard to know where the other person ends and you start – your emotions are enmeshed together.

So what we think of as ‘love’ is often an unhealthy love.  It is not the mature love that people are meant to have with each other, where each person takes responsibility for their own decisions, actions and happiness.

So if our loved one makes a poor choice eg. getting drunk and falling down, because of our
co-dependency, we tend to rush in and try to ‘rescue’ them.

We don’t want them to feel any pain or discomfort. 

We want to make everything smooth and easy for them.  This is partly because of our unhealthy ‘love’ for them, but it’s also because we believe that if they are stressed, unhappy or in pain, they will drink more.  This is the last thing that we want. 

So we try to control the situation.

This is why the first step in the 12 step process is “we admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable” – meaning, that we are unable to control it, no matter how hard we try.

When we rush in and ‘rescue’ our loved one, they do not have the opportunity to learn from their own mistakes.

We think we are ‘loving’ our spouse, child or other family member, but actually our behaviour is allowing them to remain comfortable drinking.

Only when we allow the alcoholic to experience the natural consequences of their drinking, is there any hope of them making a decision to stop.

I remember one night, my husband stumbled to bed, drunk as usual, and when he tried to get up to go to the bathroom, he fell out of bed with a tremendous crash and with the sound of breaking glass.

I got up in a panic, to see what on earth had happened.  My husband had fallen out of bed onto a large picture frame and it had smashed to pieces.  The picture frame had been sitting next to his side of the bed, waiting for him to put it up on the wall.

There was glass everywhere.  He was so drunk that he could not get up.  Every time he tried to get up, he would fall back down and smash more glass. 

It got to the place where he was lying on a pile of broken glass and he was also covered with broken glass.  He was rolling around in it and every time he moved, he cut himself more and made it worse.

I got up and desperately tried to lift him up, but he was too heavy.  He is a big guy, and I just didn’t have the strength to hold up his body weight.  After about 5 or 6 attempts, with no success, I just had to let him stay on the floor, on the glass.  I didn’t know what to do.

Then I remembered what I have been learning in Al-Anon about ‘Detachment with Love’.

I realised that, while I loved my husband, there was nothing I could do to help him, so I just had to go back to bed and go to sleep, leaving him on the floor, rolling around in the glass, cutting himself more and more. 

Does this mean I didn’t care about him?  Not at all! 

I cared about him deeply and was very sad to see the mess he had got himself into, but there was nothing more I could do but go back to sleep and wait for the morning.

After trying over and over to get up, he finally collapsed and went to asleep on the floor.

At that moment, I finally, truly understood the meaning of the term ‘detachment with love’. 

I loved my husband with all my heart and I wanted to help him, but at the end of the day, it was his choice to get drunk and this is why he ended up in the mess he was in.

Even though I knew his body was cut and was getting worse every time he moved, I had to be at peace with this and allow myself to go back to sleep.

‘Detachment with love’ is actually a tool that we can use with many people, not just a loved one who is an alcoholic.  Anyone who is making unwise choices and doesn’t like the natural consequences and expects us to bail them out, needs a good dose of ‘Detachment with love’.

We see this when we raise children and why we have to discipline them when they misbehave.  When our child experiences our discipline, they may react with tears or anger.  They may scream ‘you don’t love me’.

But you know that you love them deeply and you need to allow them to their mistakes.  This can either be learning by experiencing the natural consequences of their choices or it can be experiencing consequences that you decide are appropriate to the situation.

Your motivation is love. 

You want them to mature and grow up responsible citizens. 

If we continually come to their rescue, they will never feel the consequences of their bad choices. 

   In the Bible, in Hebrews 12:11, it says “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

And in Proverbs 3:12 “because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.”

And in Galatians 6:5 “each one should carry their own load”. 

As adults, each one of us has “our own load” of responsibilities to carry.  When we ‘rescue’ our alcoholic loved one, we are trying to carry “their load” of responsibilities as well as our own.  This is exhausting for us can soon lead to burn out, and it does not actually help the alcoholic.  We need to allow them to learn to carry their own responsibilities.

So ‘Detachment with love’ is two-fold:

1. We lovingly allow the alcoholic to carry their own responsibilities; and

2. We lovingly allow them to learn from their own mistakes and to experience the consequences of their own choices and actions.

Feeling depressed? Try the ‘Opposite Principle’

Feeling depressed? Try the ‘Opposite Principle’

  

Are you struggling with depression?

I know how you feel. 
I’ve lived with depression on and off for 25 years.

 

Something that can be helpful is the ‘Opposite Principle’.

You take notice of how you feel and then you make a decision to do the opposite.

Here are 10 examples:

1. When I’m depressed, I want to binge on sugar

When I’m depressed, I want to eat loads of sugar.  This is the worst thing I can do.  I have found that eating too much sugar, leaves me depressed, anxious and unable to cope.

So if you feel like binging on sugar (or something equally unhealthy), remind yourself to push against this and do the opposite.

What would the opposite be?  Well, anything except sugar.

The key to this is to plan ahead.  On a day where you are feeling OK, go shopping ahead of time and choose snacks and meals that are yummy but not full of sugar.

This might mean keeping mini packets of pre-made popcorn in the cupboard.  Buy the one that is already made, because when you are depressed, you won’t have the energy or inclination to cook anything.  Even the effort of cooking microwave popcorn can feel too much, when you would rather have the family block of chocolate that is there, ready to be devoured.

Try snack-size portions of nuts.

Keep plenty of fruit on hand, so that it’s easier to choose the healthier option and stay away from the sugar.

One thing I love to have on hand are chocolate protein bars that do not have any added sugar in them.  They are generally delicious and give you the taste of chocolate without actually eating the harmful sugar in regular chocolate.

Or if you like to cook, one day when you are feeling OK, cook things ahead of time, like low-sugar muffins, cakes and biscuits.  Then you will have healthy options on hand, for days when you are feeling flat.

2. When I feel depressed, I want to stay in bed all day, hide under the blankets and wish the world away.

What would the opposite be?  Let yourself sleep in, but not too much.

For example, you might usually get up at 6am, but when you feel depressed, you’d rather sleep in until lunch time.

So when you feel depressed, set an alarm for about 9am.  So you still get a nice, relaxed sleep in, but you don’t stay in bed too long.

You learn from experience, that while you might not want to drag yourself out of bed until lunch time, this actually leaves you feeling worse.

When you sleep too much, it can actually leave you feeling exhausted!

You generally feel more lethargic and foggy headed the longer you stay there.

The other reason not to sleep in until lunch time, is that it will muck up your sleep that night.

Because you got up so late, it will mess up your body’s natural sleep rhythm and you will either not be able to get to sleep at bed time, or you will have a really disturbed sleep, waking up all through the night tossing and turning.  This will leave you feeling totally wiped out the next day.

3. When I am depressed, I don’t want to have a shower
or get dressed.

I just want to stay in my pyjamas and dressing gown all day, especially if I don’t have to go anywhere that day or I know I won’t be seeing anybody.

But it’s amazing how just having a shower and getting dressed can give you a lift.

I don’t know why it helps.  Maybe just having the warm water running over your head…I don’t know.  But it really helps.

When I make myself go and have a shower and get dressed, I feel a definite improvement in my mood.

Also, if you are dressed, you are more likely to go out somewhere, which is good for you.

You might have a friend who wants to come and visit you and if you hadn’t got dressed, you might tell them not to come.  But when you are showered and dressed, you are more likely to say ‘yes’ when a friend wants to come over.

Both going out of the house and seeing a friend are incredibly helpful when you are feeling low.

4. When I’m depressed, the last thing I feel like doing is exercise.

It’s hard to get motivated to exercise when you are feeling good, but it is almost impossible when you are feeling depressed.

The thing is – just a 5 minute walk outdoors can help to lift your mood.  It doesn’t take much to help.

The exercise, the fresh air and the sunshine, all work together to help you feel better.

Perhaps not completely better, but a lot better than you will feel if you don’t do this.

Just walking 5 or 10 minutes to the park and sitting on the park bench for an hour will help you feel better.

There’s probably no way you are going to be able to get motivated for a full work-out, but anyone can manage a gentle 5 minute walk.

Remember, do the opposite of what you feel like doing.

5. When I’m depressed, I can’t get motivated to do anything.

When you are feeling depressed, it takes a mammoth effort to do the slightest thing.

But if you can just set yourself one or two very small goals for the day, you will feel a sense of accomplishment once you’ve done them.

I’m talking about tiny things, like going going to the green grocer to buy some fresh fruit and vegetables or spending 10 minutes weeding your garden.

And if you can’t manage this, then make the previous steps into small goals.

  1. Get up by 9am
  2. Have a shower
  3. Get dressed
  4. Go for a 5 minute walk

That’s four whole things.  Even doing two of these things is an accomplishment when you are feeling very depressed.

Don’t try to achieve any big goals, just tiny ones.

6. When I’m depressed, I lock myself away and don’t want to talk to anyone.

This is maybe one of the hardest ones – it is for me anyway.

When I am feeling depressed, I have no energy to make the effort to ring anyone.

And if a friend wants to come and visit, I convince myself that I’m too sad to see them.  You tell yourself ‘they won’t want to spend time with me if I’m depressed, so I’ll just say ‘no’.

I always feel like this when I’m depressed.

But when I explained this to a friend years ago, she asked me, ‘but what if I was the one depressed? Would you not want to see me because I’m depressed?’ I said ‘Of course not, I would want to be there for you if you are feeling down.  I would want to try and help.’  ‘Exactly!’ she said.  So true friends will want to spend time with you even if you are depressed.

This can sometimes be extra hard as depression can make you feel worthless.  You don’t feel ‘worthy’ of someone spending time with you when you are depressed. 

But true friends love you no matter what. 
They love you in the good times and the bad.

If you are feeling depressed, pick up the phone and call someone you trust.

And if they want to come and visit or go out for a coffee, say ‘yes’.

This one thing – more than any other – can really help you to feel better.

And a note back to having a shower and getting dressed – a true friend won’t care whether you are dressed or not, but if you are not dressed, and your friends asks you out for coffee, the effort to get dressed will probably feel too much and you won’t go.

If you are dressed, then you will generally be able to muster the energy just to hop in the car and drive there.

7. When I am depressed, I only see the negative things in my life.

Make a habit of writing down five things you are thankful for every day.  This doesn’t have to be anything big.

It could be just being grateful that your arms and legs work or being grateful that you have fresh drinking water.  It doesn’t matter what you write down.  The point is to help you realise that there are good things in your life, even when they are hard to see.

By writing down 5 – 10 things you are thankful for every day, you can go back and read this on ‘down days’ and remind yourself that there are good things in your life.

8. When I feel depressed, I don’t feel like doing anything to help myself – not even listen to music.

Listening to music can be one of the most healing things you can possibly do if you are feeling depressed.

Make a play list on your phone of songs that always make you feel happy and energised or music that makes you feel calm and at peace.

By having this play list ready, you won’t have to think about it at the time.  All you need to do is get out your phone and press play.

Music is energising and calming and can have a really positive impact on your mood.

9. When I feel depressed, I sometimes forget to take my medicine or wonder if it’s really helping.

It is absolutely essential that you take your medication – especially if you are on medication for depression.

Sometimes, we think to ourselves ‘it isn’t helping, why bother’, but the worst thing you can do is go off your medicine. 

While it may not feel like it is helping you on a specific day when you feel down, it is helping you to feel better on all the other days.  Take your medication.

10. When I feel depressed, I don’t feel like seeing my doctor or health professional

Keeping in touch with your doctor or other health professional is essential when you are feeling depressed.

For one thing, it really helps to talk about how you are feeling.

Just expressing it to someone else can take a huge weight off your shoulders and make you feel better.

Your health professional may have some good suggestions of things you could do to help yourself feel better.

They may recommend some music, books, audio books or podcasts that will really help to pick you up.

They may remind you of some coping mechanisms that you have talked about before. 

They may help you see things in a new light.

All of these things can be a tremendous help when you feel depressed.

And they may need to adjust or change your medication.  It’s important to see your doctor regularly to make sure that the medicine you are on is right for you.

The thing is – often you know what you should do – but when you are depressed, you don’t want to do anything.

So in summary, when you are feeling depressed, try doing the opposite of how you feel.

  1. When you feel binging on sugar, choose something healthier – popcorn, nuts, fruit etc.
  2. When you feel like staying in bed all day, set your alarm for 9am – allow yourself to sleep in, but not all day.
  3. When you don’t feel like having a shower or getting dressed – do the opposite – get in the shower and get dressed
  4. When you don’t feel like exercising, do the opposite. Go for a 5 or 10 minute walk and sit on a park bench in the sunshine.
  5. When you can’t get motivated to do anything, sell yourself 1 or 2 tiny goals for the day. This will give you a sense of accomplishment.
  6. When you want to isolate yourself away from others, reach out to a friend or family member you trust.
  7. When everything looks negative, think of 5 things that you can be thankful for or just re-read things you’ve written on other days when you felt better.
  8. When you feel bored and hopeless, press play on your special play list of songs that always help you feel more energised or ones that make you feel calm and at peace.
  9. When you can’t be bothered taking your medicine or feel tempted to stop – do the
    opposite. Always take any medication you have been prescribed.
  10. When you don’t feel like going to see your doctor or health professional – reach out to them. It helps having a professional to talk to when you are flat.  They may have some ideas that can really help you and they are able to gauge how well your medication is working.

There is no magic cure for depression, but there are definitely things you can do to help yourself when you are feeling depressed.

On days when you are feeling happier and stronger, plan ahead for days when you are not feeling so good – buy healthy foods, cook, write down all the things you are thankful for, create a play list of songs that make you feel happy.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned after suffering from depression for the last 25 years, it doesn’t last forever!  It always lifts eventually. 

Try doing the ‘opposite’  – but it really works.